Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
