I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
