The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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