Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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