she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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