i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
There are leaves in my underwear?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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