I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
