How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
