A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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