At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
These tits shall not be calmed
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
