if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
