i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
did i just pee glitter
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
