So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
