I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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