I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
