i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
