So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
