I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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