theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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