you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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