watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
