between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He literally asked permission to hit on me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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