what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
