I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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