Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i drank out of a bidet.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
