I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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