You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right