Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
