So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
