I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
