my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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