Sry I called you an 8
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
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i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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