True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
