Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
