for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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