I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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