I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
