somebody snuck up and got me drunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
