If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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