cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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