I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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