dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
