I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
