she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
