i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
