I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
