I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Randomize
