A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
