can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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