I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
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Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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