not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This is my gift to your gina
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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