dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
