I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
