Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
