At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We're too hungover to prance.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
