Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
