I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
