Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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