apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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